So it was high time to leave. We all crawled into the car and drove to the end of our wonderful night.
“Shall we call later?”, I whispered in Tim's ear.
We stood in front of the driveway of my home. He gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"Maybe".
The adrenaline was rushing through my body, I couldn't sleep. The night lasted far too long. I could only doze off for a few hours and yet I became as fresh and energetic as a hopping young deer. I couldn't wait to talk to Tim again – impatience was pricking my fingers. There were two calls at home -Yes– no, it wasn't him, so sorry. I kept watch near the phone,
to be able to record before anyone else did. A new ring! I ducked and answered.
“Police Pear?”
“Ha, oops! Then I am wrongly connected”
“No no, it's me!”, we laughed.
“Are you always such a joker?”
"Sometimes,"
My voice dropped low. What happiness, what bliss, to speak with the boy around whom my inner butter-flies fluttered. We chatted for an hour. He asked if I wanted to have a drink together on Wednesday.
“I'll have to look at my agenda for that…” “Aha, if that's the case, I can also meet other people take it with you?” - wow, we were evenly matched.
“Oh no no – I just saw, yes, I can”.
Tim and I grew together into a relationship that completely owned me. We went everywhere together, we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. There was such a flood of intimacy in my life – it was beau-tiful. Except sexually. I felt inhibited in that. I held off – I didn't understand why; sometimes still not. I had made love with boys before. Those had been purely physical relationships and they worked out perfectly fine. Why not now? I loved Tim so much, I was completely obsessed with him – I wanted this so bad. Why did my body lock up? Why did that work for those other boys, while I was not always in love with, right? Why not with Tim? This of course created tension between us and I didn't want to lose him either - such headaches don't make it any easier, of course, but at a certain point I thought I was ready to move on. We rented a room and I found it terribly exciting. We kissed, we caressed each other, the tension rose – and then things went wrong. I blocked again – I didn't understand: isn't this what I want? I want this boy, this wonderful, enchanting boy, who wants me too – but it didn't work out. I wasn't ready for it. As much as Tim probably loved me, he couldn't go through with this. He was very honest about it, which is nice in it-self – but the situation broke my heart. He felt very strongly that I had problems.
“I don't think you're ready… I'm also going to be honest, I'm not going to wait for you any longer. I do not only love as we have it, but also physically.”
He was sorry, but it would have been better if we just remained friends, rather than in a romantic rela-tionship. I started to cry and grabbed him; hugged him hard; kept asking him to stay.
“I'm going to drop you off at home.”
Tim and I were together for nine months. I really grieved - he actually dropped me off at home, I went to my room and started crying - and it seemed like I spent the entire time in that room emotionally
no longer left. I felt so bad. Life went on of course, but in my head and heart I stayed there, in my bed-room, crying for what I had lost. Our contact faded away, that's only logical – and perhaps a good thing. “Friendship” is not a healthy bond if it wasn't your first choice. I dreamed about him; longing dreams, nightmares. I tried to love, but...
I could not. My loss was my own fault – it was my own doing, my own lack, my own ignorance – I found no peace and quietly disappeared from the surface of life into the black hole of depression. I let myself be admitted. Once again I received the best care at the Salvator Hospital. During my discharge I told the neu-rologist “that the captain is ready to take over his ship again”, but my body and brain together formed a difficult boat. I was no longer green behind the ears, and I couldn't go to work.
Where should I find meaning?
18
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